I think the best one I’ve witnessed was at Sintelfest, where I read aloud “Third adventure – that’s me and Vau – oh, Sir Eldrick’s on that – oh, so’s Sir Cassius –“ and there was suddenly a ref at my side, having apparently hurdled the counter, going ‘Third adventure – that’s mine – oh god, I have the forces of wrong on my adventure!’ Ref breakage occurred a good twenty-four hours before the adventure.
There was a encounter with farmers locked in furious argument over possession of a pig. The dwarf in the party attempted to settle the issue, and then got bored and attempted to steal the pig.
After a little goblin battle, the ref had to bolt to the carpark. On his return, he was informed ‘eh, we gave them more goblins and a Dyl tantrum to soften them up.’ To regain ascendancy, the ref gave Gary a pig in a fur coat and ordered him to ref it while he set up the next encounter. As the ref vanished amid cries of ‘we’re goblin farmers! We plant ‘em every year, but nothing comes up!’ Gary decided the pig was simply irresistibly cute, and all who touched it had to go ‘aaahh’ for a minute. Sadly, one of the party backhanded and killed it, leading to him suffering a minute of overwhelming remorse, during which he dropped his crossbow and shot the dwarf in the foot. A duel was later fought over this incident.
Onwards to the dwarven village, who threatened the elves and took exception to the party member with a ‘malice’ on his tunic. This was notable for Justin doing his dwarven impression of an elf dancing in a forest. Don’t ask.
As the monsters charged off declaring ‘We’re goblin scouts! Dib dib dib!’ the party decided the best option when surrounded by wolves and goblins was to feed the goblins to the wolves and praise Longstor. As at least one goblin was cunningly concealed by shutting his eyes very tightly, it wasn’t difficult.
Onward to the dryad, who had instructions to scatter compulsion spells freely and bend the party to her will. Two minutes of hand holding and saying ‘You will help? Right now? Promise?’ later, they were off without a spell cast. Suckers.
There was an elf shanty, about which our ref remarked ‘and if they do attack, we can all go home early,’ which gave us time to set up our glorious goblin wedding. Dyl the Longstorian goblin screeched ‘here comes the bride’, and we draped the bride (Ben) in a big white veil, saying ‘isn’t she lovely?’ and ‘it’s round your neck, try and run and we’ll sort you out.’ The ref came speeding through, says ‘What are you doing, you freaks? Never mind. Dyl, you’re not a Longstorian anymore because they’re brutally killing everything, and if they kill a Longstorian priest in a Longstorian wood it will end badly.’ The ref went on, the party appeared. Dyl pronounced them goblin and goblin, Ben leaped into Chris’s arms and wrapped his legs round his waist. Chris was apparently not expecting this, and dropped him onto his back on the floor. The goblin guests screamed ‘She’s presenting! Do her! Do her!’ and the appalled party let loose with a hail of arrows. The unlucky bride shrieked ‘I wanted to be happy on my wedding day!’ until someone stabbed her up.
The next encounter was a goblin kindergarten, including a pet giant spider. As one of the monsters had been cuddling and whispering to the two-foot-long prop for some time, even confiding to a fellow monster, ‘It likes you. It wants to regurgitate bodily fluids onto you’, no one liked to take it away from him. So we loved it and hugged it and called it George until the party appeared to cries of ‘ee! Monsters! George will protect us!’ The party, after some debate, suggested the goblins would like to play a game. This was met with enthusiasm. Party: ‘Now, all close your eyes…’ The goblin children all closed their eyes. I’m sure you can guess the rest.
The rest of the adventure was peaceful, although the worst archer in Ithron managed to score a head shot on a dead monster, and a random bloke in a tunic popped up out of nowhere wielding a knife. Turned out he was from a separate role-play group using the site, who had found one of our weapons. After we had explained to the excitable monsters no, we weren’t under attack by another system, we wrapped up the adventure and called it a day.
Really, I wouldn’t call it an excessive amount of wrongness…